Anger Cleansing

I was so angry while on my daily walk this morning. I won't go into detail about why I was angry, but suffice to say that it sure made walking more brisk than usual. I huffed and puffed for about 45 minutes and then continued my romp and stomp through the house and into the shower. I was so angry I was talking to myself out loud. In the shower. Then I schemed and planned to bring the perpetrators of my anger to justice. I thought of ways to make them pay through the nose, or at least ways to apply the screws even tighter and put them under my thumbs. All of this while I was lathering, shampooing, and rinsing.

But the more I talked and pretended to be the tough guy in the right, the angrier I got. I was turning into a beast. My breathing was shallow. I was shaking. I started to get dizzy. My face was turning red. That was one of the roughest showers I had ever taken. I've taken them before, but never like this. I'm surprised I didn't rip my own scalp off.

Where did all of this anger come from? It just welled up inside of me and reached boiling point. I'm glad I got to release it, but then what about my planning and scheming to right perceived wrongs committed against me? Will I still carry them out?

It was then that I realized something. I don't know where this came from, but out of the blue came this thought that said, "What you plan to do will only make things worse." I argued against that thought. It didn't seem right because, dagnabit, someone has to conform to my standards that, prior to today, did not exist.

But was that really fair? It was then that I remembered something I had read in my Pastoral Care Companion about anger-- anger comes from an unwillingness to forgive. I forgot the exact quote, so I went to the Companion to read exactly what it says. And here it is:

Sinful anger and bitterness are destructive emotional responses expressed an unwillingness to forgive others. When not dealt with, they devastate a person's relationship with God and the neighbor. The pastor will use the Law to reveal such anger and bitterness as a fruit of unbelief. (Pastoral Care Companion, p. 315)

Wow! That was a hard pill to swallow. A fruit of unbelief. I didn't like it, but somehow it rang true. It doesn't matter if I like it or not. I was exposed. But it didn't get rid of my anger. Now I was angry that I was angry. Being shown that anger is a fruit of unbelief cuts deep. I had harbored hatred toward those I was angry with, and I was paying the price. I was finally coming to my senses, realizing that I was just being a jerk, if only in my imagination. My anger began to subside.

The Pastoral Care Companion goes on:

Proclaiming the unconditional forgiveness won by Christ, the pastor will point to the love of Christ, which constrains us to relinquish anger and to forgive those who have sinned against us even as God in Christ has forgiven us.

That's ultimately what changes the heart-- Christ! I can't change it myself. I'll just look for more reasons to be angry. The Gospel reminds me that I've been cleansed from hatred and malice. It constrains and reduces me to forgiveness and mercy. Now I can breathe! Anger cannot exist in a clean house.

I'm sure that anger will come back someday to dirty things up again, and I'll make a mess of myself. But I think that's the whole point. I know that I'll always be struggling with things like this until the day I die. But the struggle is good, because then God shows His best work in Christ in reminding me of my cross-shaped identity. I'm covered and am drawn out from a will in bondage, to one that is free and clean.